Have you ever tried to cut a circle out of a piece of paper, freehand? You know, you start with a large, pristine 8X11 sheet and eventually trim so much off in pursuit of perfection that you’re left with a small, wonky quarter-sized oval?
That is exactly what’s happening with my bangs right now, because I attempted to cut them myself and I am apparently useless as a hair stylist. I think these bangs have gone through a full three different iterations in the last two months, starting really cautiously as long, wispy strands and ending up as uneven, blunt-cut, ridiculous face blankets, as I became less nervous (and therefore more heavy-handed) with the scissors. Never did it occur to me to go to an actual salon and have them fixed up. In fact, even as I complain about it now, I am convinced I’m not going to see a professional – I’ll just wait until they grow out a little. Excellent.
I finally broke down and purchased/took a pregnancy test after work today. It’s been two months. No period. I’m an idiot. And, I’ve been feeling nauseous and dizzy around the same every day and was, of course, freaking out. (If I have learned nothing else from this process so far, it is that pre-TTC, I was almost completely unaware of what was happening with my body. Maybe I’ve always felt nauseous at 1:30pm every day for about 90 minutes and have always had these horrible blue veins visible all over myself, but was never in tune enough to pay attention. Now, however, I am keenly aware when my equilibrium has been thrown off balance. I have heartburn right now and that information is now locked in the vault, with all the other carefully dated and timed instances I’ve had heartburn since May.) I decided it was about time I stop wondering about what is going on with me and start actively tracking what’s happening. After Clomid, I wanted to take a break from all fertility-related appointments and research, because in that one month, I bit off far more than I could handle. However, now it just feels irresponsible to be off BC (or birth control, for you people not so embarrassed to say “birth control” in a crowd that you instinctively refer to it as an acronym at all times) and not have your period and then also not test. Also, I’m heading up to San Francisco this weekend with my family and I wanted to know if I was in the clear to maybe have a few beers.
In addition, I am supremely weird about even numbers (as in, I am obsessed with them, as evidenced by the fact that I’m okay with an extended conception period because it may allow us to have a 2014 baby, as opposed to one born in 2013), so I figured it would wise to test on 12/12/12: if I got a positive result, I would feel super optimistic about it and feel the blessings of the universe and if I got a negative, I would still have the round, even, positive energy of the date to help me through it.
As it turns out, I have to be content with just the good vibes, as I am, yet again and as ever, not pregnant.
When I first glanced at the result window, I thought it read, “Yes Pregnant,” which led to approximately .6 seconds of panic before I realized a) I am actually pretty vision impaired sans glasses and b) that doesn’t make any sense.