This is another post that would be better filed under a “Who Cares?” folder. I’m in such a great mood right now, though, that I’m going to subject you all to this and not feel guilty about it. Deal.
So, it’s been two weeks since I began my attempt clean up my life (and, if I’m honest, by “life,” I mean “face”). I wasn’t going to post, as I am extremely superstitious and a notorious downer. However, I’m on this new zen kick, in which I’m trying to be positive and invite good things, so it only makes sense that I would let some good news out of the bag.
The good news: there is absolutely improvement. I haven’t stopped breaking out (and have, in fact, gotten a few different kinds pimples in places I usually never have any, like on my cheeks near the center of my face and small, flesh-toned painful bumps on my forehead), but in the hotspots, on my chin near the corners of my mouth, where things were getting pretty horrible, there is definite healing happening. I have one active “normal” pimple on my chin, and one, small, barely-there-to-anyone-who-does-not-have-my-nerve-endings growth on my forehead. Other than that, it’s just scarring. (The hyperpigmentation will be another beast entirely. For now, though, I’m just happy that my skin is discolored and FLAT.)
I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately, and apparently when you “detox” your body, like say by completely changing your eating habits and starting a course of crazy supplements and altering the way your wash/make up your face, your body expels these extra toxins in overdrive. In these so-called detox breakouts, you get forms of acne you’ve never had in places you’ve never had it. I panicked about this at first, because I was doing everything right and things were actually getting worse, but it’s levelled out now and I can see where this is heading. And it’s to a place where I get my face back, which is fabulous.
I made it through approximately one week without wearing makeup, which was great as a challenge, I suppose, but not so great for my self-esteem. I started slipping into the acne rabbit hole, a place I hadn’t been since I was 19 years old. Looking at my exposed volcanic face in the mirror at my job made me feel desperate and out of control and even made me call into question how the people in my life who care about me could love such a terrible monster. (This actually happened. Like, ten days ago. Acne, for me, stirs up a lot of uncomfortable feelings.) It made it difficult for me to focus at work and I was a bit of a depressive terror to be around. I wasn’t myself, because I was so singularly focused on how hideous I felt I looked.
This constant anxiety and stress about acne can actually make acne worse, which is a total double-edged sword. In order to stop the obsessive thoughts about how gross and unprofessional I looked, I decided that while I’m healing my face, I should allow myself the dignity of makeup. I just had to find the right kind. Following the advice of several natural living/beauty websites, I bought some Bella Pierre mineral powder foundation on Amazon and am absolutely in love with it. It has only four mineral ingredients (mica, iron oxides, titanium dioxide, and zinc oxide), and the inclusion of zinc, which helps promote healing and quell inflammation, means that it actually aids in the reduction and prevention of acne. In addition, the “Ultra” shade – the lightest one available – matches my vampire skin tone perfectly, which means I don’t have to wear makeup anywhere but on the spots. (I despise subjecting the majority of my healthy, freckly face to makeup.)
In sum, things are looking up. I’ve started doing yoga at night to help calm me down and have stopped touching my face. I look in the mirror only when I get ready in the morning and when I can’t escape it (like, say, in a bathroom), and when I do, I focus on how much healing is happening and how much better I feel, not on how far I may still have to go. I am in an entirely different place emotionally than I was even just last week, and that change has been 100% mental.
I had avoided thinking about how huge this move was and how isolating this experience has been sometimes, and all the internalized stress made its way out through my poor face. Now, I’m trying to focus on how lucky I am to be here and to have the opportunities I have. Obviously, I still miss home, but now I’m making real efforts to meet new people and make friends and, alternatively, really enjoy the time I have to myself, as opposed to spending it feeling crazy and alone and desperate. I am feeling more myself right now than I have in the nearly three months since I moved to England, which is so, so, so wonderful.
I’m looking forward to being a (relatively) normal human again.