Why hello there. I’ve been intentionally avoiding posting, because I’ve got some pretty enormous irons in the fire and I wanted to wait to discuss them until I had solid answers so I could fully celebrate the end of the most emotionally traumatic autumn of my life. However, it’s been months now and I’m tired of Miss Havisham-ing my existence, just waiting for news, too paralyzed by anxiety to move forward in any direction. So, here’s what’s been up:
1) I finished my thesis! And had it approved by the university library! For many frustratingly bureaucratic reasons, I have to wait until next quarter to officially “graduate,” but I have a Master’s degree now! I’m also now planning on starting a PhD – eventually.
2) I applied for, interviewed for, and was offered a university research position in the UK! This is huge. HA-UGE. It is exactly what I want to do with my life and I’ll be working with a professor who studies exactly what I attempted to in my thesis. I am both insanely excited about this development and also terrified, as I’m still waiting for my visa application to be approved and it’s been nearly four weeks. It’s been a little more complicated than I anticipated, and now it’s the holidays so offices are closed. I am so hoping I get good news next week. Has anyone else applied for a work visa? I don’t think I have ever been more stressed out about anything before – and I just got divorced, people.
3) I’m proud of myself. Like, genuinely proud. I’ve met people who have negative opinions about what I’ve done for myself personally in the last few months, but ultimately, I don’t care. I’ve spent a lot of time in my life treading water, too scared to make any moves or to really pursue what I loved. For some reason, I decided that a big, bold, fulfilled life wasn’t in the cards for me. And now, in a matter of months, I am making it happen.
4) I saw my paternal grandmother yesterday. I haven’t been incredibly close to her as an adult, and I hadn’t told her about ending my marriage or moving out of the country, because I don’t see her often and I wasn’t sure she’d understand. She’s the kind of woman who was raised to grin and bear it, and I didn’t think she’d be super open-minded about my deciding to divorce. Honestly, I was convinced she would think I was gross. And so, we went the whole day with no mention of any of it, until we were saying goodbye. I don’t know why I thought no one else would tell her, but apparently a story like mine is too insane not to have made it through the grapevine. She’d known for months. And the only thing she had to say about it was that being happy is the most important thing. Following happiness and making damn sure you do everything you want to before you aren’t able to do it anymore. And when I told her that I feel like I’m finally living my own life, she said, “I’m so proud of you, Sarah. Most of us women never do.”