Most Women Never Do.

Why hello there. I’ve been intentionally avoiding posting, because I’ve got some pretty enormous irons in the fire and I wanted to wait to discuss them until I had solid answers so I could fully celebrate the end of the most emotionally traumatic autumn of my life. However, it’s been months now and I’m tired of Miss Havisham-ing my existence, just waiting for news, too paralyzed by anxiety to move forward in any direction. So, here’s what’s been up:

1) I finished my thesis! And had it approved by the university library! For many frustratingly bureaucratic reasons, I have to wait until next quarter to officially “graduate,” but I have a Master’s degree now! I’m also now planning on starting a PhD – eventually.

2) I applied for, interviewed for, and was offered a university research position in the UK! This is huge. HA-UGE. It is exactly what I want to do with my life and I’ll be working with a professor who studies exactly what I attempted to in my thesis. I am both insanely excited about this development and also terrified, as I’m still waiting for my visa application to be approved and it’s been nearly four weeks. It’s been a little more complicated than I anticipated, and now it’s the holidays so offices are closed. I am so hoping I get good news next week. Has anyone else applied for a work visa? I don’t think I have ever been more stressed out about anything before – and I just got divorced, people.

3) I’m proud of myself. Like, genuinely proud. I’ve met people who have negative opinions about what I’ve done for myself personally in the last few months, but ultimately, I don’t care. I’ve spent a lot of time in my life treading water, too scared to make any moves or to really pursue what I loved. For some reason, I decided that a big, bold, fulfilled life wasn’t in the cards for me. And now, in a matter of months, I am making it happen.

4) I saw my paternal grandmother yesterday. I haven’t been incredibly close to her as an adult, and I hadn’t told her about ending my marriage or moving out of the country, because I don’t see her often and I wasn’t sure she’d understand. She’s the kind of woman who was raised to grin and bear it, and I didn’t think she’d be super open-minded about my deciding to divorce. Honestly, I was convinced she would think I was gross. And so, we went the whole day with no mention of any of it, until we were saying goodbye. I don’t know why I thought no one else would tell her, but apparently a story like mine is too insane not to have made it through the grapevine. She’d known for months. And the only thing she had to say about it was that being happy is the most important thing. Following happiness and making damn sure you do everything you want to before you aren’t able to do it anymore. And when I told her that I feel like I’m finally living my own life, she said, “I’m so proud of you, Sarah. Most of us women never do.”

il_570xN.283837587

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Most Women Never Do.

  1. Women like your grandmother are my role models. People who can look beyond their own lives to see something larger, and encourage others to go toward the light. I wish you all the best, and was glad to see some words from you.

  2. Wow – congratulations! My good friend Rachel from Rachel’s Table sent me here and I’m so glad she did. I’m going through ha-UGE life changes right now, too (still in a holding pattern, and thus not mentioning much on my blog, oy). Finding someone in a similar place in her life is wildly encouraging. I’ve been experiencing all of the same mixed feelings, but yes, the PRIDE and the knowing you’re living, FINALLY, for yourself, trump any misgivings.

    It took me SO long to stop acting out of fear of regret and condemnation (“What if I change my mind?” “What will everyone else think?”) that I’m sure I won’t fully appreciate the magnitude of my decisions/bravery until I look back on it many years from now.

    The U.K. and your Masters. I applaud you from the bottom of my heart, and look forward to reading more! 🙂

    • Yay, a Jules sighting! Sarah, Jules rocks. You two will love each other, I’m sure. Best of luck to both of you. One day, you’ll both look back on this time of your lives and wonder at how much better your choices made your lives.

    • Oh hellllo! Thank you! I’m going to try to be more fun and less tragically depressing in the new year, so hopefully you’ll want to keep reading.

      This experience has been absolutely terrifying, but it’s also allowed me total freedom from expectation, which is something I would never have anticipated and am SO GRATEFUL to have. I have always, always, always thought about what other people might think about things I’ve done (or wanted to do) and I am suddenly free from that. It’s FABULOUS.

      I just creeped your blog, and I love it. I’m so happy you found me!

Discuss!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s