My Very Own Creationist.

When my husband and I had been engaged for about a year (and living together for about two years), he told me, in absolute sincerity as I was driving us through Santa Monica, that when we had children, he wanted to raise them as Creationists. He explained that he’d gone to a very Christian private school as a young child and been hugely influenced by his favorite teacher, Mrs M., who taught him all about how the dinosaurs had lived at the same time as humans, who eventually hunted off the gigantic reptiles for food.

Because he is totally horrible, my husband held tightly to this gag for about twenty minutes, despite the fact that I almost killed us by veering off the road in panic and then threatened to break off our engagement. I was horrified that I had somehow missed this enormous theological difference between us. How could I, the anthropologist, be engaged to a creationist?!?

He let me freak out for our entire drive, occasionally saying something obnoxious like, “You can’t seriously believe the world is more than 6,000 years old!” while looking at me grimly, until he eventually broke into hysterical laughter.

I was livid. It remains the first and only time I’ve wanted to end our relationship. (I wanted out when I thought he was a creationist and also later, after I discovered he got so much satisfaction from making me enraged, when I knew he would make me insane for the rest of our lives.)

Today, while sorting through old pictures and scrapbooks at his mom’s house, we came across proof that he really was taught, as a five-year-old kindergartner, that dinosaurs were exterminated by mankind.

It is both amazing and terrifying:

20130602-163641.jpg
Men eat meat too. That’s why they killed the dinosaurs.

Did you know that humans in loincloths took out the whole of the stegosaurus population with bows and arrows?

Now you do.

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16 thoughts on “My Very Own Creationist.

  1. Creationism always makes me think of people telling their ideals while holding their ears saying “Lalalalalala” while an educated person tries to show them factual data. But hey, to each their own, right? πŸ˜‰

    • Hahaha – I am totally all about people believing whatever nonsense they want. However, I get a little upset when they try to teach it in public schools, especially when it is CRAY CRAY.

      • I was a smart aleck kid and even I remember saying that it didn’t make sense in Sunday school. What do you mean made the earth in 10 days? There are fossils that prove that the theory of evolution is sound. Faith? What does that have to do with facts? Are we supposed to ignore them?

        It really had a baring on my stance in religion…even then. πŸ˜‰

  2. Wild! But it’s the misunderstanding of time that underlies the dinosaur-human thing. If you can’t imagine an earth older than 6000 years, that kind of limits you. But even people who can grasp that dinosaurs existed 65 million years ago struggle with the notion of life itself going back 3.8 billion years! And that for the first two billion of those years, life was just bacteria. Time does boggle the mind.

  3. This. Is. Awesome. I would have done the same thing! The love of my life is already dealing with the fact that we have such varying ideas of how we’d like to be “handled” when we die. I am adamantly apposed to being buried in the conventional sense (ridiculously expensive casket in concrete in an expensive plot with an expensive headstone) and would like to be cremated, made into fertilizer, or some other more practical arrangement without all the crazy and $$ attached.
    This gag would have sent me over the edge. Great post!

    • My mom told me once, as a joke, that she wants to be cremated and then pressurized into a diamond, and now I am TOOOOOTALLY doing that. Could you imagine handing down a diamond solitaire ring (or something like it) and instead of saying, “This was your grandmother’S,” saying, “This was your grandmother”???

      I’m a freak of nature.

  4. It is so disturbing what ‘they’ are allowed to teach kids in the name of religion. There was a recent case of this sort of homework circulating the internet recently. I mean , you are entitled to your own opinion…but you are NOT entitled to your own FACTS!

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