Jealosaur.

I used to be a really good friend.  In college, if someone needed a pregnancy test and was too embarrassed to buy one, I would walk right into the tiny convenience store on campus near the dorms and purchase it, making sure I looked directly into the eyes of the person behind the counter, for maximum awkwardness.  If a friend needed housesitting or animal sitting or a ride across the country or money or food or several visits or a kidney, I was all about it.  I gave and gave and gave to the people around me and I was happy (and maybe a little proud) to do it.  My friends were my life, and I gave of my life according.

However, as time has kept marching mercilessly forward, and I’ve gotten consumed with the really important and super stressful workings of my adulthood, I haven’t had the time or the energy or the life force to really give to my friends that way I used to.  I struggled with that for a long time – what does it say about me as a person that I can’t, with any regularity at all, return the phone calls of the people I adore?  I have weekends free – why can’t I visit them?  They need a kidney, Sarah – get on it.

There are people in Los Angeles County, who live a grand total of ten miles from where I live/work, who I haven’t seen for nearly a year.  The way I feel about them hasn’t changed at all – the simple truth is that I am tired.  I am tired and old and after work I like to come home and drink a glass of wine while sitting in the very center of my couch (where the cushions bow in, under the weight of many such nights), watching whatever TV show I missed the night before, when I fell asleep at 9 pm.

So, most of the time I’m still the nice, giving person I once was, just burdened by responsibility like every other schmuck in the world.  Until, of course, May and June roll around, and everyone starts posting photos of their graduations from all their insane law school or med school or grad school programs, while I sit here and rot in my graduate school prison, still unable to graduate until I can convince the people around me that I am worthy of an email reply.  I feel like grad school, for me, has been one bureaucratic or personal or financial nightmare after another, and I’m not above admitting that I am overwhelmingly jealous of people who have positive experiences – so, the end of school year can be a cruel mistress.

Basically: I’m sorry for being such a shitty friend, everyone.  But that’s pretty much all on you guys, for being inconvenient and not living in my house, and for graduating from programs that are going to actually benefit your life.

Screen Shot 2013-05-25 at 9.10.04 AM

Submitted as proof that I have graduated from a university once. You know, just in case I never graduate again.  

 

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14 thoughts on “Jealosaur.

  1. For what it’s worth, I know how you feel. I only just graduated with my bachelor’s degree in nursing in December. It took me 6.5 years to do it because I decided to change my mind about medical school during my junior year, and, all the while, I see people graduating from prestigious programs and going on to acquire Ph.Ds or become MDs. It’s infuriating (mostly because I’m frustrated with myself), and I can’t even say that I’m in a master’s program…which is certainly a step up. Then, people are graduating and picking up the jobs that I so desperately wanted before we moved across the country. The only depressing thing about it is that I probably still wouldn’t be selected for those jobs if I was there to accept them. I guess what I’m saying is that it seems like you’re awfully close to the end. And, from what I’ve read, anyone would be lucky to have you as an employee regardless of where you apply. Keep you head up and keep plugging away. I am aware of those days when you are so tired that you just don’t feel like picking up the phone or getting out of the house. Kudos to you for the times that you DO get out, because I guarantee you that it’s quite a lot more frequent than what I can manage. Thanks, by the way, for allowing me to read your blog. I have enjoyed it quite a lot!

    • Thank you so much for this! It’s so positive and wonderful (and probably not deserved). 🙂

      I’ve had to spend a lot of time refocusing lately, and staying present in my own life. I, like you, have changed my mind a few times about future careers, and that’s put me a little behind a lot of the other super-achievers I was friends with in high school and college. However, that being said, I made all those changes and decisions for valid reasons that made (and still kinda make) sense in my life, so I have to hold onto that.

      If I may be so bold and speak for you too: we’re both getting closer to where we want to be, and that’s something huge and wonderful and worth waiting for, right?

  2. I’ve become a uniquely shitty friend, too, and the ultimate irony? All my friends still live within a 2 mile radius of me. Yet, sometimes I forget about text messages. I forgot to send a Facebook message saying, “Hey, what’s happening in your life?”

    Adulthood sucks.

    • It’s really terrible. Especially in 2013 when, like you said, we could ostensibly communicate with even MORE friends than people in yesteryear.

      There’s no excuse. I’m just a bad friend, maybe?

    • Haha – I’m so happy it shows on my face like that.

      And you’re right – I only have time for people with children who are old enough to keep me accountable for visits.

  3. I feel you. I don’t really get a chance to visit with my friends from college. Its hard even when you don’t live far away. You come home tired and it just slips through your mind. Lol, I started a girls night (a monthly get together) just so I wouldn’t become too much of a hermit. I also graduated college with a bachelor’s…and currently have no idea what I’m going to do with it… At least you are in grad school. You’ll graduate someday and then you will get to wear the robe and take pictures!! 🙂

    • We started a regular girls night too! It worked for a while, and then we let it get away from us. You’ve inspired me to try again!

      I think a BA/BS is becoming the equivalent of a high school diploma. Sadly, I didn’t know that when I got my two BAs. I just thought that going to college was enough. I majored in two things that aren’t super useful and didn’t spend much time as an undergrad trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Cue now, when I am a 26 year old woman who has more education than she will ever need and no actual life skills. 🙂

      Excepting for blogging, of course. Blogging. Barely.

  4. If it makes you feel better, I just finished my second year of law school and am constantly frustrated because I feel like I’m stuck in studentland. I see a lot of my friends growing up, getting married, having kids, buying houses…etc. and all of that still seems so far away for me. People are moving on and getting jobs and making money instead of getting into debt, which I already feel like I’m drowning in. I completely understand how you feel because I feel the same! Hope you have a great day!

    • OMG, but at least you’ll have a law degree! (Is it terrible that despite all my grad school insanity, I have, in fact, learned nothing and am still really obsessed with who has what degree?) I feel like my current debt is a barrier to getting more useful education, and it’s all just to (eventually) graduate with a bizarre, esoteric Masters in something no employer cares about. UGGGH.

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  6. I’m 23 and just starting to realize how absolutely depressing it is to grow up. I have 3 friends and they are all my best friend (because get personal or get out before you bore me). One moved to Alaska to go to grad school (we lived in WV . . .don’t get out the map – very far from Alaska) and the other one joined the air force and will be transported all number of places that aren’t my back door. The third one is still here, but he wasn’t my favorite!!! Just kidding. He’ll probably go to law school soon though and make me feel even worse for not being in grad school.

    I didn’t go to grad school because I refuse to go into debt before I’m old enough to have any idea what I want to do with the rest of my life <– this is what I tell myself. No idea if it's true. (I'm not completely irresponsible though – I've narrowed down my future plans to involving bon-bons and being carried by a tribe of devotees). I got a big girl job after college, but it's SO corporate and "big-girl" like and my natural personality devoid of filter shines through more and more every day. I think they're probably going to move me underground soon to keep me from scaring away clients. That's best-case scenario.

    I forget what my point was. That happens a lot. Sorry. Hopefully it gets better with blogging.

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