Today, I was supposed to post a brilliant piece I wrote called “How I Friend-Zone’d My Husband.” It was going to be great. However, today had other plans. I thought it might be more interesting to share some of the hilarious hijinks from this day’s adventures. And I’m making it a “tight-lipped Tuesday” because I cannot be asked to write full sentences right now. THIS DAY, guys. Enjoy!
I began the day helping my great-aunt Carole, the former model, pack up her house, as it is now in escrow for the third time. She told me not to be nervous about my modeling debut tomorrow because “it sure beats getting up at 4 am to go examine shit.” And she’s right. It will be more fun than going on Coroner searches or digging excavation trenches in the pouring rain.
This is the book she is currently reading. Cheery.
“Just in case you have to identify me someday.”
And THEN, Fertile Myrtle started having contractions every two minutes for an hour and I left Carole to meet FM, her mother and the Fiece at the hospital.
I was supposed to be responsible for keeping the Fiece out of trouble and for eventually taking her home as the labor progressed, but mostly, I just encouraged her to play in the hospital room’s privacy curtain. (She beckoned me over to her curtain-y hiding spot and asked me to squeeze in with her, telling me, “Shhhhh! You’ll fit!” with a finger to her lips to shut me up. Obviously I couldn’t say no.) It ended up being false labor, so after two hours of waiting in the room and listening to heartbeat monitors and walking the halls, we all ended up going home. Oh, it was such a cruel tease. I don’t know how Myrtle is handling it. I am too impatient for labor and delivery. Perhaps it is for the best that I am not the one who is pregnant.
Oh, and also, a Whiny Baby Facebook page exists. Here’s the link, so like it maybe?