Hey, female humans of the world! Wanna know something cool? On Friday, North Dakota’s House of Representatives agreed with its Senate and decided that for all legal purposes concerning their own bodies, women aren’t really human beings anymore. At best, once we hit sexual maturity, we’re incubators for other, more important human beings who deserve more legal rights than we do, despite the fact that we’ve been conscious living creatures with lives and thoughts and feelings for way longer than they’ve been balls of cells or embryos.
According to Keith Mason, who is the president of a group anti-abortion Mensa members (JK!) called Personhood USA, this is a huge boon for all non-female people, because
The North Dakota legislature has taken historic strides to protect every human being in the state, paving the way for human rights nationwide.
“Every human being” in North Dakota, except for the 50% of the population with vaginas. Yeah. Everyone except for them.
At first glance, this is an outrageous attack on women’s rights in general, and on victim’s rights more specifically, as this proposed constitutional amendment banning abortion allows no exception in cases of rape or incest. Wow, that sounds pretty appalling!
Luckily for you, women of North Dakota, it also means that you are one step closer to no longer being legally recognized as people or as functional, responsible members of a progressive society.
And I can think of one incredibly impactful way you can take advantage of your new non-human status:
You can stop having sex with your Senators and Representatives! What kind of disgusting monster would want to have sex with you anyway? You’re barely human and cannot be trusted to make your own medical choices in life-threatening situations – what kind of depraved weirdo would still want to sleep with you? (Here’s looking at you, Margaret Sitte. What’s your deal?)
This could also help save the state of North Dakota the millions of dollars it’ll cost to put this proposed amendment on the ballot in 2014. If no one in the state is having sex, no one in the state will have to choose between surviving their pregnancy or going to prison!
Win win, I say! I hereby announce the establishment of the Dakotan Uteri Movement Against Sex Society, or DUMASS.
Let’s show those caucus how we really feel.