Lacy Teal Human Sausage.

Today, I spent six hours at an outdoor mall with two work friends, shopping for a new dress to wear to the school’s big auction gala fundraiser this coming Friday. As someone who only owns two pairs of (acceptable) jeans and can spend entire weekends at home in a giant Target men’s-small robe, I needed to invest in something a functional adult woman might wear to a fancy LA party at a fancy LA venue.

We went to about one thousand stores and made fun of gross (yet practical?) supportive undergarments. I ended up with a dress that terrifies me both in color and length and that may make me look like a lacy teal human sausage when I am photographed in it from a normal angle (meaning, not in an aerial self-portrait).

In sum, I went out in public and managed to 1) make disgusting dirty jokes in front of strangers and 2) purchase something that inspired immediate buyer’s remorse. Quelle surprise.

How many crotchless nude Spanx body slimmers did you encounter this weekend?

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We don’t have a full-length mirror around these parts. Lucky you. You get to see all the drugstore-brand body wash in our itty bitty shower!

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