Oscar Predictions.

I have done some pretty awesome things in my life thus far and I have some very interesting, albeit incredibly niche and unmarketable, skills.  For instance, I am qualified to teach five-year-olds, to clean and reconstruct Ice Age animal fossils, to write and distribute press releases concerning newly published books, to create biological profiles (age, sex, ancestry and height) for unknown skeletal remains, and to use my off-the-charts sense of smell (like, actually – I was tested) to track and identify landfill odors (on my to-do list: begin weekly “(Literal) Odd Jobs” feature).  I’m a jill of lots of trades.  However, there are still quite a few things I’m not qualified to do and one of those things is “make predictions about Oscar winners,” considering I’ve only seen half the movies and am making said predictions based solely on my personal feelings.  Those facts almost discouraged me from posting today, but then I realized that previous sentence probably also describes most of the Academy voters.  Therefore, feast your eyes on my Oscar 2013 winner projections (fingers crossed):

Best Picture:
Amour, Life of Pi, Argo, Lincoln, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Silver Linings Playbook, Django Unchained, Zero Dark Thirty, Les Miserables

I think Silver Linings Playbook should take this.  It was so good.  So good.  It was funny and tragic and haunting and weird and fabulous and different, all while still being accessible.  Our collection of hundreds of movies grinds to a screeching halt after the late 90s, because we’re pretentious jerks.  I don’t feel the need to own a lot of recent films.  However, I’d made it twenty minutes into Silver Linings Playbook in the theater when I knew I had to buy it as soon as it was released on DVD.  It’s just great.  I can’t wait to see it again and I hope it wins.

That being said, a part of me really hopes it’s Argo, because Ben Affleck deserves to finally live this down:

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I mean, really.  Chris Brown got off easier in the court of public opinion and he’s an actual abusive criminal.  Ben Affleck, you have my full support.

Actor in a Leading Role:
Bradley Cooper, Daniel Day-Lewis, Joaquin Phoenix, Denzel Washington, Hugh Jackman

Daniel Day-Lewis will win this.  This will shock no one.  And I don’t think it will be fair.  My father is a veritable Abraham Lincoln scholar and the whole family flocked into the theater together to see the movie.  It was engaging and historically fascinating and gorgeously shot, and Daniel Day-Lewis was indeed an excellent choice.  However, in the end, I found him a tiny bit distracting.  This was Daniel Day-Lewis giving a performance as Lincoln – I could feel the method through the screen.  I adore him and always have – just not so much as Lincoln.

In a perfect world, Bradley Cooper would win.  He imbued a mentally unstable mid-thirties grown man, who at one point beats up his parents while he is still living in their attic, with such tragedy and empathy that you sympathize with him instead of despising him.  No easy task and he did an incredible job.

Actress in a Leading Role:
Jessica Chastain, Quvenzhane Wallis, Jennifer Lawrence, Naomi Watts, Emmanuelle Riva

Jennifer Lawrence.  Because she’s hysterical.  And also great in Silver Linings.

Actor in a Supporting Role:
Alan Arkin, Robert De Niro, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Tommy Lee Jones, Christoph Waltz

Tommy Lee Jones, because he was amazing in Lincoln.

Actress in a Supporting Role:
Amy Adams, Sally Field, Anne Hathaway, Helen Hunt, Jacki Weaver

Anne Hathaway, as much as it pains me.  She will win and she will cry and it will be predictaBLAY.

Animated Feature Film:
Brave, Frankenweenie, ParaNorman, The Pirates! Band of Misfits, Wreck-It Ralph

ParaNorman, for it’s animation and screenplay and gay high school jock (who was the first openly homosexual animated character in history – progress!).

I stopped here because I just could not be bothered to care about any other categories.  I hope Adele wins for “Skyfall,” but I think we all know that ship is headed in the right direction.  I’ve promised myself three shortbread Girl Scout cookies for every category I guess correctly and an entire sleeve of cookies for every category I get wrong.

Come what may, I know who will be the real winner tonight.

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