Here I present a definitive list of Upsetting Radio Songs:
5) “E.T.” – Katy Perry featuring Kanye West
Perhaps it’s simply because I have inherited the puritanical shame of my tightly-wound Scottish ancestors, but there is something unnerving about innocently turning on the radio and getting hit in the face with synthesized alien rape.
Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me Infect me with your love and Fill me with your poison Take me, ta-ta-take me Wanna be a victim Ready for abduction
Gross, Katy Perry. No thanks. You know who probably shouldn’t “wanna be a victim…ready for abduction”? Any young girl who listens to your music. I realize that’s alarmist, but it’s also a totally valid argument. If you’re going to build your fortune on adoring fans, you do have a responsibility to them. Especially when your fans are often kids.
4) “I’ll Make Love To You” – Boyz II Men
This is too obvious. I’ve had people say to me that every song ever written is about sex. Sure. Maybe that’s true. However, most of them do it artfully and not by literally just singing what happens during Ladies Night at the Boyz’ house.
Girl relax, let’s go slow
I ain’t got nowhere to go
I’m just gonna concentrate on you
Girl are you ready?
It’s gonna be a long nightThrow your clothes on the floor
I’m gonna take my clothes off too
I made plans to be with you
Girl whatever you ask me you know I can do
Things I will ask Boyz II Men to do: 1) put their clothes back on; 2) stop concentrating on me; 3) remove this imagery from my head.
3) “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” – Bing Crosby
I have a solution to this problem. It is: maybe just let her go home?
I really can’t stay
Baby it’s cold outside
I gotta go away
Baby it’s cold outside
This evening has been
Been hoping that you’d drop by
So very nice
I’ll hold your hands they’re just like ice
My mother will start to worry
Beautiful what’s your hurry?
My father will be pacing the floor
Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I better scurry
Beautiful please don’t hurry
Well maybe just a half a drink more
Put some records on while I pour
The neighbors might think
Baby it’s bad out there
Say.. what’s in this drink?
What is in this drink, Bing? And why am I supposed to think this ode to date rape is an awesome Christmas song? (This just in: in researching the lyrics, I come across a Cracked.com article, “8 Romantic Songs You Didn’t Know Were About Rape” – “Baby, It’s Cold Outside ranks #8.)
2) “Single Ladies” – Beyonce
For no other reason than that the chorus makes me fear seizing while driving my car.
All the single ladies, all the single ladies All the single ladies, all the single ladies All the single ladies, all the single ladies All the single ladies
Do you feel in control of your brainstem after that lyrical assault?
1) “If You Like Pina Coladas” – Rupert Holmes (and sometimes Jimmy Buffet, for optimum confusion)
As a child and young person, I loved this song, mostly because of it’s jaunty tune and mention of fruity drinks and rain storms and sand dunes. It wasn’t until I was in my twenties and actually listened to the lyrics that I realized how terribly tragic and sad this record is. I’ve included most of the good stuff, so that if you are not familiar with the story progression, you can read along and discover the ending in horror.
I was tired of my lady, we’d been together too long Like a worn-out recording of a favorite song So while she lay there sleepin’, I read the paper in bed And in the personal columns there was this letter I read ‘If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain If you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain If you like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for write to me and escape’ I didn’t think about my lady, I know that sounds kinda mean But me and my old lady had fallen into the same old dull routine So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad And though I’m nobody’s poet, I thought it wasn’t half bad “Yes, I like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain I’m not much into health food, I am into champagne I’ve got to meet you by tomorrow noon and cut through all this red tape At a bar called O’Malleys where we’ll plan our escape” So I waited with high hopes and she walked in the place I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face It was my own lovely lady and she said, “Oh, it’s you?” Then we laughed for a moment and I said, “I never knew”
“Oh, hahahahaha! We both took out personal ads and arranged to meet strangers in a bar because we hated each other so much. This situation is so hilarious. (By the way, I still hate you.)”
I now open the floor – what songs upset you? (Chances are, they make me uncomfortable too. It obviously does not take much.)