Crossroads.

I’ve spent the last few weeks mulling a lot of things over.  I have three distinct paths to choose from.  If I’ve learned anything about myself in my twenties, it is that choosing paths is essentially my least favorite activity, so basically I’m in a really good place right now.

Path 1: Continue off birth control and without Provera/Clomid until next spring and just “see what happens” (read: never get a period and panic all the time and never drink a beer again for fear of giving the fetus I’m hysterically pregnant with fetal alcohol syndrome.  That’s what will happen.).  Despite how super fun that sounds, this is an option almost entirely because my husband really wants to try for a summer baby, as he’ll be off work then and can be 100% present for the first few months of the baby’s life (and at this point, we’re aging out of summer 2013) and if we’re going to go as far as taking Clomid, we might as well as attempt to plan it around an optimal schedule (as in the summer, I’d also be off work).  This would also give me time to investigate some root causes of my insane irregularity, instead of just slapping a Clomid bandaid on it.

Path 2: Go back on birth control until next spring.  This is an option almost entirely because I am, at my core, a very vain person and the idea of not getting pregnant (and having no hope of conceiving without Clomid, what with the never ovulating) and yet also still having raging hormonal acne all the time is really upsetting.  I’m being really honest and sincere and as gross as that justification sounds, please do not judge me.  I’ll refer you to my acne photos and lecture you about how damaged I am.  (That being said, I have a confession to make: I’m leaning pretty heavily on Path 1, as it is currently super dry and autumn-like here – the warm, gusty Santa Ana winds were out in full force this week – and it’s doing wonders for my skin and now I’m thinking I could go six months without a beer.  I am legitimately making conception decisions based on how they will impact the number of cystic pimples I have on my face at any given time.  Does that make me a horrible person?)

Path 3: Do another one or two rounds of Provera/Clomid.  This is an option because I really want to have a baby and ultimately, I don’t care when I get pregnant as long as it happens eventually.

I have no idea what direction to head in.  I started this process wanting to force the universe’s hand.  I wanted to make no decisions.  I wanted to be irresponsible and reckless and remove all the pesky safety nets and just get pregnant when it was meant to be.  I don’t want to buy fertility calendars and chart cycles and take medications and schedule sex and hang all my hopes on whether or not I earn a damn smiley face from an over the counter ovulation predictor (although: does anyone?).  However, considering the only two periods I’ve gotten since May have been brought on by Provera, I’m starting to realize that any real hope of conceiving really might hinge on doing all the fertility planning, which is disappointing and frustrating.

Truthfully, I was/am more disappointed than I thought I would be about the Clomid failure last month.  I don’t think I want to do another round of it without doing a full inspection of my insides because if I know anything, it’s that I don’t want to get so excited again without understanding what the situation actually is.  I think, because I was taking this so casually initially, I was fine with my doctor just prescribing medication – especially because I knew how quickly it worked for Fertile Myrtle.  Now it might be wise to do a little more research.  And by research, I mean ultrasounds.

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